


i'm trying to find the words to say (i wish i was beside you)

by iridescentkippen



Category: Julie and The Phantoms (TV 2020)
Genre: Birthday, Canon Compliant, Grief/Mourning, No beta we die like Sunset Curve, Pre-Canon, but that's just bc i have brain rot for days, but then i fell asleep before i could post it so, happy late birthday bobby ig, i wrote this in like three hours bc i got the idea late last night, i'm sorry i can never write happy things about bobby i promise i love him, there's some boggie if you squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-17
Updated: 2021-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-26 09:54:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30104139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iridescentkippen/pseuds/iridescentkippen
Summary: bobby finds himself spending his eighteenth birthday on his own wondering what he did to the universe to be the only one left when they promised to be together forever
Comments: 8
Kudos: 21





	i'm trying to find the words to say (i wish i was beside you)

**Author's Note:**

> the title is from beside you by 5sos because I was trying to come up with a title for this and I thought it just,,, fit??? idk sorry it's a day late oops

Bobby Wilson was not supposed to be here. As far as his parents knew he was at home, asleep in his bed. If they knew that he was at the pier, sitting on the boardwalk in his black jeans and one of Reggie’s old hoodies only fifty yards from the jetty, they would have grounded him for the rest of his life- but they wouldn’t ever find out. The items in his bag felt like they weighed a million pounds, but he knew it was just the guilt of knowing he wasn’t supposed to be here alone.

Bobby took a look at the pink watch on his wrist. It used to light up, but the button got stuck at one point and then the bulb burned out. He had bought it for Alex’s fifteenth birthday, but after it had gotten left at his house and never reclaimed he had taken to wearing it every day. It read, _3/15. 11:52._ Bobby let out a long sigh. “C’mon, boys, don’t be late,” he mumbled, quietly. He had known his boys for six years. Sure, he’d always seen them around at school, but kids would whisper things about Luke, Reggie, and Alex. If you hung out with them you were automatically an outcast. At some point, Bobby had decided he didn’t care anymore.

 _11:53._ Reggie had walked up to him and told him that they were going to be friends because he said so. Bobby quickly learned that you didn’t say no to Reggie. So he agreed and from there on out he was attached at the hip with his boys. On his first birthday with them, they all came and sat out on the pier together before promising to never spend a birthday without each other. That night they all fell asleep in Bobby’s garage tucked up next to each other in one big sleeping bag without a care in the world.

 _11:54._ On his next birthday, the four of them spent the day doing whatever Bobby wanted. They had gone to the arcade for a while, but when trying to beat the high score on Pac-man got boring they decided to go rollerskating. There was a new place in town that none of them had gone to, but all of them quickly learned that Alex was the only one of them who was very good at it. But it was still fun as they continually fell, sending them into fits of laughter.

 _11:55._ On his next birthday, they all stayed the night in Bobby’s garage. They stayed up late watching movies and eating popcorn, whispering secrets to each other that they never would have told outside of their sugar-induced haze. After Luke and Alex had fallen asleep, he and Reggie had gone to sit outside the garage to talk. It was freezing, but the two boys huddled next to each other for warmth. They had gotten on the topic of girls, to which Bobby told his friend that he hadn’t even had his first kiss. Reggie had laughed, turning to Bobby. He then had grabbed the other boy’s face, quickly pecking Bobby on the lips. “What was that for?” Bobby had asked. He knew that if the other boys ever found out about this that they’d never hear the end of it. Reggie had just shrugged before mumbling something about it not being fair that he was the last member of their friend group who hadn’t been kissed before going back inside the garage. By the time Bobby followed him inside, Reggie was already asleep.

 _11:56._ On his next birthday, the other boys wouldn’t tell him anything. They showed up early in the morning, asking to talk to his mom. They then took something into the garage before telling him he wasn’t allowed to go in there until his celebration that night. The four of them hung out around town for most of the day, but Bobby had never been the sort of person that it was easy to lie to. Before they got back to his house that evening, all three of his friends had spilled the secret to him at different times during the day that they had saved up to buy him a new guitar. They all told him to still act surprised, and being a man of his word, when they all went into the garage and he saw the guitar he faked shock as well as he could. None of the others ever found out that they had all told him, but it was worth it for the best birthday present ever.

 _11:57._ On his sixteenth birthday, they had a gig. They had decided not long after his last birthday that they should form a band. All of them played instruments and were decent enough singers, so it just made sense. Luke hadn’t meant to schedule the gig on Bobby’s birthday, but he already had spoken to the club manager when he realized what day it was. Luckily, Bobby thought playing a gig where there might be record execs watching them perform was the best birthday present ever. They played in the middle of the acts, the time Luke always said was the worst because “You weren’t first so they won’t remember you and you weren’t last so they definitely won’t remember you.” They played alright, but it definitely wasn’t the best they had ever played. Alex missed his big drum solo and Reggie’s voice cracked during their final number, but Bobby thought overall it went well. After the last act performed, the boys sat around the club for about an hour. Not a single record exec talked to them. The other boys kept on apologizing to Bobby for ruining his birthday, but he kept on telling them it was a success because at least he was spending it with them.

 _11:58._ Bobby didn’t know that his final birthday with them was going to be the last. Alex had been grounded for sneaking out to practice with the band so he wasn’t even there. Reggie had been so stressed about his parents that he had barely smiled the entire party. At least Luke, who had been living in Bobby’s garage for several months at that point, had tried to make it a fun time. He had gotten a handful of beers from somewhere and by the end of their celebration, the three of them were wasted. Reggie had left Bobby’s gift of a Green Day CD on the table before giving him a tight hug and stumbling home. The morning after, as Luke and Bobby both sat and puked their guts out into the toilet in the garage both of them swore never to drink that much ever again. Luke kept on repeating to the younger boy, “At least next year will be better when all of us are here and we can finally be adults,” and Bobby had laughed in agreement. At least there would be next year.

 _11:59._ There wasn’t a next year. His boys weren’t coming. His boys were dead, goddammit, they were dead. They were dead and he was alive and it was his fault. If he had just agreed to go get the fucking street dogs with them, maybe he wouldn’t be suffering as much. The time without his boys had been torture. Every single day he woke up wanting to see them only to be hit with what could only be described as a wave of ‘this is what you deserve.’ He was supposed to spend his eighteenth birthday with them. He was supposed to be able to be the last one in the band to turn eighteen, so they would be able to celebrate by throwing a massive party for just the four of them.

They had planned to come sit on the pier and watch the waves at midnight because Bobby had asked. He wanted to be able to sit with his best friends and watch the tide slowly run up over the sand as he celebrated one more year on earth with them by his side- but now he had nothing. He was alone and cold and _Jesus fucking christ what did I do to deserve this?_

Bobby looked up at the stars as they glared down on him. It felt as if they were spiting him for something. He reached into this bag, pulling out a plastic container holding a smushed cupcake that he had bought at the gas station near his house. He opened the plastic, pulling out the sticky sweet dessert. Looking at it now he felt sick to his stomach. If his boys were here they would have cupcakes of their own, ready to eat more sugar than they were supposed to eat in a week. He pulled out a red and white striped candle, shoving it into the top. The box of matches he had stolen from his dad’s bedside drawer was almost empty but the two matches left inside rattled around.

He pulled one out, checking the watch. _11:59._ He still had time. He balanced the cupcake on his knee as he opened the box, pulling one of the matches out. His breath shuddered as he struck the match against the side of the box, lighting the candle and blowing the match out. He set down the matches, picking up the cupcake. He glued his eyes to the watch as he waited for it to turn to midnight. Any moment now.

It felt as if the seconds turned into hours as he watched the time and date on the watch change. _3/16. 12:00._ Bobby let out a shuddering sob as the silence that should have been filled with cheers of “Happy birthday, Bobbers!” and “You’re finally an adult!” hit him like a freight train. He was alone in the one moment he wanted to be surrounded by his boys the most. He needed them so badly. His boys, his band, his family. He needed them and they were gone.

“Happy birthday, Bobby,” he said out loud to himself. He blew out the candle, setting the cupcake in its box beside him, his appetite long gone. “I wish you guys were here.” Another choked cry forced its way out of his throat as he realized how sad it all sounded. He squeezed his eyes shut as he sobbed, wrapping his arms around himself. Maybe if he pretended it was his boys hugging him it wouldn’t hurt so bad.

If Bobby Wilson noticed the ghosts on the pier that night, he didn’t say anything; especially not when they wrapped their arms around his shoulders and cried right alongside him. Ghosts were the things of children’s stories, and Bobby Wilson was not a child anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this even though my only talent is causing bobby more pain oops. If you did please drop a kudos and a comment! I'd love to hear from you :)) If you'd like to you can follow me on any of my social media xx it's iridescentkippen everywhere


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